I can't cry hard enough. not for you to hear me.
but myself to chill out. But i can't. its hard. i don know why.
i don't know why you are so petty.
so everytime he gets scolded for something, there is something to do with me.
whenever i get scolded for something, it may not even concern him.
it doesn't have to be the elder to be blamed always.
it doesn't have to turn out this way, but you people choose to be biased.
superstitious and never thinks of the positive.
whatever i have in you people's mind, is just everything bad.
i'm short-tempered, petty, spendthrift, lazy, not sensible enough to sleep early,
not taking care of my valuables, always losing stuffs.
and yes i'm stupid. he's the smarter ones. so you guys dote on him alotalot.
he's everything right and i'm everything wrong. this has been going on for super long already.
i'm really dead beat. really. i always vent it out on you guys and tell you guys,
but you guys don't really care. and insist you people didn't spoile him, or being biased.
he's in a better class, he's smart. i'm stupid, i retained. im not sensible,
i dont even know how to cook, or do housework. not even tidying my own room.
oh wait, own room? do i have one? can i have one? never i suppose.
recession, not giving me money for stuffs i need for my school.
i had to get my CNY red packets money out to pay for the book.
after days, one of you had a small tiff with me. then very next day,
you left quite a number of 10dollar notes on the table for me.
whats that suppose to mean. i don't know what your thinking, i really don't know.
she said, you guys just dont know how to show the parental love.
okay, let that be. have you guys ever apologized? nope.
you guys only think, you have to be respected cause you guys are adult.
and adults are older, no need to respect kids.
whats that about. i'm sorry to tell you. i only respect people who respects me .
if you don't, neither will i. i've been nice enough i suppose.
even when i'm very down, i tries to talk nicely. but seriously,
stop using your feet to tap me on my arms or whatever. ITS RUDE.
i get annoyed but i never complaint a single. cept to her.
i'm jealous, very jealous. i don't understand why other parents,
could be like their friend, not mine. she asked me to try.
i tried talking to you nicely, but you are way too realistic. i don't understand why.
if you mind and xian qi me and mind anything about me.
why bring me out of this world. i don't like it, i really don't ..
not happy at all. just very tired. feels so pushed down, heavy big metal thing,,
squashing me? hah. if there isn't friend that i have.
i would have died without you people's permission .
under one roof. so near yet so far. everytime i step in this house.
i don't know how im suppose to react, all of a sudden,
i dont know hows my mood suppose to be like.
i turn to my laptop every single time i step in this house.
i spend 99% of my time infront of this or teevee.
cause, i don't know how to react, face you guys, or talk to you guys.
or even, the way im suppose to talk to you guys.
its crazy, really. its ridiculous and weird how things are becoming like.
now i don't even know how to do, how to move on, how to speak to you.
not anymore. its tiring. to think of how im suppose to react. or talk.
cause in less than a couple sentences, we all end up with a quarrel.
i wish i could just burst out crying in the toilet, and yi liao bai liao.
everything over. but, its been hard. been very hard to vent out by crying.
i can't cry anymore. i don't know what other options i have.
taking a step at a time aimlessly...